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Being bi-polar I have to put up with a lot from my brain. When I hit a manic phase it can be awesome sauce or it can be pure hell. Day time manics are productive, creative, and channelled in to doing the jobs that require a lot of energy or brute strength. these are the days that kitchen cupboards get a good cleaning or the lottie gets dug over. I can decorate an entire room from start to finish in under 6 hours on a well channelled manic day, ask me how I know. Night time manics are a living hell for me. The kids are in bed so I can only do fairly quiet things and the neighbours probably don’t want to hear my hoovering the house at 11pm either. I have just spent several hours trying to get my brain to focus on one thing and I’m not sure it’s working because now my brain is trying to fix the problems!
The problem is quiet simple really, my linnies won’t bond with me. Firstly they are already a bonded pair, I bought them like that, so don’t want anything to do with anyone but each other. Secondly I can’t let them out as much as I would like to as I have cats. I need a way around this issue without having to re-home any of my animals. Just to top it off I need a new hen house as mine is falling apart and starting to lean dangerously to one side.
Right now I wouldn’t want to inflict me on anyone. I think that my brain has just has had enough lately what with dealing with the fire etc. Yep, fire. I’ll put up a post about that at some point soon. Time now to attempt to at least zone out so my body can get some rest.
On Tuesday we did something a little different. The darling Husbeast had to go to Manchester with work and decided to tag along and do some shopping with Eldest. It was an early start, up at 5.30 and left at 6, and we watched the sun rise as we drove up the motorway. I’ve never been to Manchester before and I didn’t expect to like it much, as I really dislike cities in general, but it was full of little surprises.
It wasn’t as dark and dirty as Bristol, my local city, and there were less people there even if it was still busy. The architecture was simply stunning to look at and had everything from brick warehouses to modern glass and everything in between. We found the above pub just opposite a giant ferris wheel and the very modern Arndale Center and it was quit a contrast.My favorite buildings where all from the turn of last century and showed the magnificence of the Victorian Industrial era. I spent far too much time looking upwards and if it hadn’t been for Eldest I would have tripped over the multitude of tourists we came across.
Me and Eldest spent a good few hours wandering the streets, looking in all the shops, having coffee, and people watching. The sunshine was glorious and it was a warm day for March so we made the most of the many many cafes that had tables outside.The highlight of the day was when Husbeast joined us and we went to meet to the head of Enlightened Industries, Lovelocke. I’ve spent months listening to him via the PC as my Husbeast flew spaceships in New Eden and it was a real pleasure to meet the man. He will be coming to LARP later on this year and I can’t wait as it should be loads of fun. After spending a couple of hours with him we headed off for the long drive and finally got home around 9.20pm. Today I’m paying for such a long day but it was totally worth it. I will be going back to Manchester in the future and I’m sure I’ll fall for it just a little bit more.
I don’t make resolutions as I can never stick to them. It’s just the way I’m built. I do have a list of things I want to achieve this year but that’s just not the same. The most common resolution I see is to loose weight. Well, sheesh, I’ve been trying to do that for years but I like my food way too much. Instead I will take more control over my food and try to eat healthier. I’d also like to eat more locally which is the bigger challenge but one that I see as achievable. I’ve been reading about the Unsupermarket Challenge on a local blog and I really like the idea of that too. Supporting local shops is so important these days as the big supermarkets are just taking over, most of the time with inferior products, and driving small business’s to ruin. Now that I no longer have my evening job I will have more free time to go to local butchers, green grocers, and to plan meals better.
So, my to do list. It’s not mind blowingly amazing in all honesty but it does incorporate a few things I really want to do.
-I’d like to take a course on meat chickens. Both the raising and slaughtering of them. I couldn’t keep them at home but I have space at the allotment and they would provide valuable resources in several ways. They turn the soil, provide fertilizer, eat pests, and in the end they fill my freezer and provide food for my family.
-I want to attend a meeting of the local guild of spinners, weavers, and dyers. This is simply so I can meet like minded people and get some help with my newest hobby.
-Gather up all my UFOs and finish them! I have sewing, cross stitch, embroidery, knitting and weaving projects all sitting around half finished. I need to get them all out and start finishing them to clear some space.
-I want to get my allotment off to a good start and make this the most productive year yet. I should probably make a start on that by ordering my seeds.
-Lastly I want to organise a space in the house for me. So far me and the Husbeast and decided that I can have the dining room as a work area. Short of a lottery win and new house, or a loft conversion, this is the best option for now.
Time to go and wind down now before I have to get up at 5.30am for work. Tatty bye.
The past few weeks have been hard. On the 18th I was involved in a car accident that shook me a bit more than I expected. Within a few days the pain set in and I was diagnosed with whiplash and signed off from work for two weeks. My Mother was driving and has been signed off too. We came out of it quite well if truth be told. The car is fixable and we should be eligible for some compensation. To add a final insult to injury I’ve come down with a stinking cold that is sapping all of my strength and leaving my nose a sore, and glowing, mess. Just to finish me off I have a daughter on crutches. She came home from camp with an injured knee and we now have to wait for a consult at the childrens hospital so she can have corrective surgery.
In an attempt to make today more bearable I covered myself in Savlon, took cold medication, smeared lip balm all over, and went and met a friend for an hour who was here on a day trip. After that I convinced the Husbeast to take me looking for buried treasure on another of the beaches in my town. Ok, so I didn’t have a treasure map or anything that convenient but I did find what I was looking for in the shape of some beautiful beach pebbles. My son found me some heart shaped rocks that will go in a basket somewhere and be shown off. I’ve always wanted heart shaped stones and now I finally have some of my own. The pebbles will be part of a new project I shall start work on this week.
Well theres a quick update. I have pictures to sort from a long week end away, sewing to do and more pictures to take, and a blog re-organize in the works so I’d better go and be useful.
I finally have time to sit down today and rest. I’ve spent most of the day baking and cooking a Sunday dinner. We now have a couple of quiches, one is now in the freezer, some muffins and a fruitcake as a treat. Half the chicken will be frozen too so I can make a chicken pie next week end. I’ve also been making the no knead bread for the past week and have yet to get it quite right. Mine turns out quite dense and it should be lighter grr. It’s got me thinking about other things that need doing now in order to have things in the future. My brain is ticking over faster than it should and planning is being done on various scraps of paper.
In reality I’m trying to calm myself and slow down. I think that Brenda Dayne, from Cast On podcast fame, said it best when she called it ‘Pulling a Geographical’. I’ve never stayed anywhere longer than 4 years. Not since I was 7 years old. I’ve been in this house for four and half years now and I keep itching to pick up and go again. It doesn’t have to be far, it just has to be not here. I promised myself I would settle and wait it out for another couple of years but my bi-polar brain keeps bringing the subject up over and over. It takes it’s toll after a while and I’m not sleeping well, keep getting headaches, and my asthma is rearing it’s wheezy head once more. There is nothing I can do about this. AT ALL. Very simply it boils down to the fact that I don’t love this house. I like it well enough and we get on to a certain extent but it’s not mine and never will be no matter what I do to it. I’m trying hard to make it work by painting it, leaving my mark, changing what I’m able but the heart isn’t there.
Over the next few weeks I want to bury myself in things I love doing and try and find a sense of rhythm once more. Sewing, knitting, baking, and creating will all come to the forefront of my days instead of being so focused on things that don’t matter. Hopefully I will also be able to re-open my little shop and make a few sales along the way. Time to take a deep breath.
In a couple of years we may be in the position to move out to a little village just outside the main town. It’s close enough to town for schools and work but it has a village mentality that I really want. I would like to sleep at night without listening the dual carriageway behind the house and the idiots driving fast down the road I live in. I want a garden thats big enough for me to have a studio in and still have plenty of room for raised veg beds and my chooks.
Since I started work last November I haven’t been free. I’m not saying thing in the sense of being tied to a workplace or a wage packet but in the sense of life getting out of control. It’s easy to see how things have spiraled out of controlled just by looking at the bank statements. Changes need to be made before they begin to control instead of the other way around. I need freedom of burden in order to cope with daily life as I refuse to go back on medication.
I used to be very frugal before I started work. My shopping bill could be kept under £60 a week with kids and packed lunches in the mix. Now it’s doubled. I know that the cost of shopping has increased for most families but this is crazy. It’s not just the shopping though, it’s in all areas of life that spending has gone up. It’s time to jump up and down on the bank book and balance it again. After much thought, and several sleepless nights, I’ve decided that August will be a low spend month for me. I can’t get away with spending the bare minimum as I have new school uniforms to contend with but I will keep it all in check. More batch cooking is on the cards as is more bread making. I have enough in the cupboards to go without shopping heavily for at least 3 or 4 weeks and I will make good use of Approved Foods and what I have stockpiled.
I made a good start today by making a quiche that will do for tonights dinner and for packed lunches for the rest of the week. The onions and tomatoes came from my garden, the eggs from my hens, and the suet crust from a 5 kilo back of mix I bought for £2.99. As I dug around the kitchen I found a packet of Falafel mix so I’ve cooked that off as well to go in lunch and with salad for Fridays dinner. A few extra eggs boiled for snacks and I’m done for now. At the week end I shall make bread, pitta bread, and muffins for the kids as the school holidays are about to start. I need this freedom from pressure and it involves doing things that I love, like baking and gardening.
We should all strive to be free. This world is too harsh on us as it is. Find a moment, embrace it, and live it.
I’ve been a crafter for most of my life. I’ve played with everything from candle making to fymo to knitting. If you look under my stairs you will find a set of storage that is full to bursting with craft materials and sticky stuff, look under tables in my lounge and you find boxes of yarn, under my bed are meters and meters of fabric. I’m sure I drive my poor husband moonbat with all of this but he is very tolerant and tries not freak out too much when I buy yarn or shiny things for no other reason than I want to.
I sat back the other day and took stock of all these things I have and I need to start using it up. I need to get rid of the things I will probably never use and clear some space. After all, I can’t have new things if I have no where to put them. That then leads to a new dilemma. Could I stop myself buying things randomly and begin to focus. The simple answer to that is that I have to. I’ve figured out what I want to go into properly, instead of doing too many odd things, and now is the time to go ahead with that. I’m a fibre artist. Simple really after all these years of wondering what it is I really do. Yes I use fabric in what I do but thats the center of it all really. I like to create fabric, work with fabric, manipulate it.
I’ve decided on a course of action which will take me through the summer holidays and hopefully get me closer to my goal without too much swearing and might possibly give me some funds to play with. For now though I should go to work.
I’m not sure why depression is a taboo subject on a lot of blogs but I’ve never worried about things like that. I’m bi-polar and, unlike quite a few people I know in netland, I don’t let it rule my life. I also don’t medicate in order to control it. There are ways to make it less harmful to yourself and those around you it just takes sheer bloody mindedness! Today is a prime example. I didn’t want to get up today, in fact I would have happily just stayed under the covers and slept for 24 hours, but I forced myself out of bed. Then I got busy. Really busy. I’ve done 4 loads of laundry, cleaned out animals, cleaned the lounge, gone to the lottie, pottered in the garden, and made dinner. In between all of that I’ve done smaller things like clear the dining room dumping ground and my desk. When you feel low and know your heading for a crash landing you do have a parachute if you can recognize it and find the cord. Sometimes it makes the landing easier, sometimes you get caught on an updraft and sail away to somewhere brighter.
I won’t let this get the better of me. I will fight it every way I can. I will never be free of it but everyone needs an arch nemesis. This is mine.
I love my hobby, truely I do, but some days it causes me more stress than I deem worth it. Today is a classic example of that. I have just started playing a new system and for my first event I wore old costume that I already had. All well and good but I found out two things about it during the event that I didn’t like. Firstly it’s red and black which really doesn’t fit in with the groups color of gold and green, we’re elves so don’t judge us, and secondly I look like a sack when I’m wearing it. Honestly, like a huge black and red sack that isn’t even tied in the middle with string! Given that the site is very overgrown and the main travel routes are via deer tracks or over trees a dress only works to an extent, yes I do wear trousers underneath, and then it gets caught on the brambles and I go end over apex. Not very lady like.
I decided to make a new dress as I’m going again in two weeks but I’ve had nothing but problems so far. I dug out all my green, cream, and gold fabric to see what I had and I have not enough of anything much. A meter here, a meter there, and a few meters of cream with a small pattern in it. Ok, so I can use that as the main part of the dress and do a pretty panel in the front … or so I thought. This morning I had time to get on with and opened out the cream in readiness for cutting and find it’s actually opaque. Yup, this fabric is almost see through. Plan B would be to go and trawl charity shops to find something different as I didn’t want to spend anything on making this and if I couldn’t have cheap then under a fiver would do. I have no time to do this till next week which would leave, once again, making kit at the last minute. Sod that for a game of soldiers! Plan C was brought in to action and I dug through my old LARP chest and found some leather armor, a green shirt, and no trousers. Well there is one pair but they are black so not what I was looking for.
The armor needs tightening and the shirt drowns me now that I’ve lost weight, 30lbs is quite a chunk to loose, so alterations will have to be done but thats not all bad. Time to trawl E-bay for new brown leathers and make a new tunic top to stop the armor rubbing. I must also remember to pack my Food for Free pocket pocket book as the foraging there is great! Back to the grind now for me. Until next time when there will be pictures for a change.
Wow. I knew I hadn’t blogged for a while but I didn’t realize it was April when last I posted!It’s not that I haven’t meant to post, or that I couldn’t think about what to type, I’ve just been busy and a little lazy when I get time to myself. I fully intend to post once a week from now on but don’t hold me to that. I also want to change the blog and layout etc so that will take some time. So anyway, quick recap.
- The lottie is about 2 months behind. I had a nightmare of a time trying to get a poly tunnel up, that then had to be take down due to the cover being too small, then a second tunnel up and dug in. That went up late and then the weather was so dry the lottie was like a concrete parking lot and couldn’t be dug. Bad year all round to be honest but we’ll see what I can get out of it before building the beds over the winter and starting a new planting season.
- Work. I’ve finally been told I now have a permanent position at the store. Go me. Given how many staff have had their contracts ended I’m one of the lucky ones and I’m not going to complain.Still only 12 hours a week, and still nights only, but it’s better than no job at all. That being said I do have overtime at least once a month which gives me a few quid extra for yarn.
- Home. Home is good but I have plans. Still getting rid of things and sorting out the piles of random junk I accumulate. Just waiting for a free day on E-bay to throw a few things up for sale. That money will then get squirreled away for nice things later on this year. There are a few jobs I want to get done over the summer holidays, like decorate the bathroom because I currently hate the magnolia, and I’m going to abuse the kids and make them help me.
-Me. Still un-medicated and it seems to be going alright at the moment. I’m listening to my body much more and I’m healthier than I have been in a long time. I’ve also lost 30lbs since last August which has made me feel more confident and happy. I need a sewing marathon now to make some nice new clothes.
So there it is. A quick update to say I’m not dead. I’ll see if I can start things moving this week on the blog change and we’ll see if I can actually keep my promise to myself.
Blesses Be.
My arts and crafts interests have changed a lot over the years. If you look in my craft cupboard it has things in there for embroidery, cross stitch, soap making, dressmaking, the list goes on! Things have changed direction now and it’s one I feel much more settled in and I am enjoying a great deal.
A couple of years ago I was ill at Christmas time. So ill that I ended up in hospital on Christmas day, unable to breathe, and with a temp of 40. I had a very bad chest infection and I was out of action for a couple of weeks. My darling Morier decided to keep me occupied by going out and buying me yarn and needles so I could learn to knit. I’ve now been knitting for 2 years and I love it. In fact I love yarn of all kinds and all the things you can do with it. Last year he took me to Wonderwool and I picked up my first ever loom. It’s a small, Hazel Rose, tri-loom and it was so easy to get the hang of. After that I bought a Knifty Knitter from a girl on Ravelry and, with a little persuasion, got Morier to build me a larger tri-loom. I also have an inklette and should really get it warped up for the strap of a summer bag I have almost finished looming up on the small tri.
Now I want a bigger loom. A ‘real’ loom. A rigid heddle. I want a minimum of 30″ width, ideally 40″, so I can weave rugs and tapestries on it. Why? Because I can use up all the fabric and odd balls of yarn I have as I learn to weave and then, hopefully, sell them. In the future I will have a studio so I can work undisturbed and be as creative as I wish. I love color and texture and fiber so this fits me well. I know Morier thinks this is a passing fad of mine, Goddess knows I’ve had a few, but I think it’s the right direction for me. I still want the 7ft adjustable tri-loom so I can loom up pretty silk shawls for sale but a real loom would be fabulous right now.
Now all I have to do is organize my time so I can do this. Time to make another schedule I think.
I’m not entirely sure whats wrong right now but my whole brain is scrambling around like the English rugby team. Trust me, they are currently failing miserably against Ireland. I’ve spent the day going off on tangents. Crying, growling, lethargy, and ambivalence have all featured at some point today and there has been some rage and self loathing thrown in there for kicks and giggles. I am, most definitely, the above badger. Some of it because I have to over analyze things at times and I’m at the point now where my brain is just making up it’s own mind because it’s sick of listening to my internal monologue. Case in point: the small holding.
Most people who know me know that I’ve wanted a small holding for some time now. The problem is that I see time ticking past and the small holding dream is running away in the distance while I limp behind it on crutches with an arthritic, blind, guide dog leading me. I have this overwhelming fear that I will 40 before we even start thinking seriously it and I just can’t deal with that. To prevent myself from being admitted to an asylum I have decided to re-think my future vision. I’m leaning towards something simpler that will still accommodate some of the things I want, add a few new things, and generally be more feasible in the long run. I’m developing a plan. I’m not sure yet if it’s a Baldrick type of plan or one that may actually work but we’ll see. It comes in several parts and may involve more will power than I actually have but it’s going to be much better for me than having more land than I can manage.
I shall now go and drag the lasagna out of the oven, tell my dear Morier of my new plan, and perhaps get some knitting done.
“Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.
She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.
Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.
It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.
She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.
Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.
Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.
If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.
You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.
You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.
Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.
Or better yet, date a girl who writes.”
— Rosemary Urquico
I feel like the little house above. Basically all there but some things need attention. The thing is, you can’t see what needs to be done because of all the ivy, the outside crap, thats covering it all. If people were houses then our hearts would be in the kitchen and our brains would be like an attic, full of boxes of old memories and dust bunnies. I have too many dust bunnies right now and every time I try to pin one down and deal with it it scuttles off in to a corner never to be seen again. It’s just ..I don’t know anymore. Trying to get anything straight in my head is a little like chasing a humming bird without a net. In the words of LSG…WARGLGARBLARGLE!
I’ve tried to center myself by doing mundane things, things that require a little focus and attention, things that I normally find grounding. I’ve knitted and mended things. I’ve read favorite websites and breathed in the rain soaked air and none of it has helped. I need a day at the lottie to get dirty and connected to Mother for a while. Perhaps she will tell the bunnies to give it a rest and let me think for a while. Like the little house above I’m sure it could be better with a spring clean.
I wish had enough money to buy that little house, that house is for sale. Sighs.
On December 9th last year I started work. It was a great end to an other wise mediocre year for me. It’s not the greatest job in the world, the pay isn’t huge and the hours are knocking me about a bit in all honesty BUT I love it. The people I work with are great and they make it worth it, well that and the fact I now get a paycheck each month. My new job has allowed to plan a new set of lounge furniture and a look at a better chicken coop for the girls. It’s enabling me to buy better yarn instead of the cheapest stuff I can get my hands on. I also now feel a bit more human instead of a Mumbot and magic cleaning fairy.
There are down sides though. I miss Morier SO much. He gets homes from work and I leave an hour and a half later. I get home from work and we go to bed because it’s late. We have week ends together but it’s all a little strange right now. The routine isn’t settled yet as I’ve only been there 4 weeks and I haven’t learned to juggle house and work and hobies and all the other things I want to do. It will all drop in to place soon enough, either that or I’ll kick it in to place. 8 more weeks of probation left then I can relax and breathe.
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Daily Thought Be easy on yourself. You are your harshest judge and sometimes, just sometimes, you judge yourself too harshly.
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